Well i think im gonna burn in hell....

Well, what can i actually say... i guess im not good enough for him, i mean is it so much to ask for a guy to like a girl? i mean seriously, what is wrong with me to make me that unappealing? i know i will get smacked for this, but i feel it is a very valid question for me to ask myself... i have been trying to move on and forget about it, but life is making that very hard. i don't fall often but when i do it takes forever for me to move on from something like that! so i hope he is happy... even though he has no idea how i feel about him, and probally never will. but thats ok i will get over it eventually, i mean tons of people die alone! i know i am so getting smacked for this but i feel like i need to get my bad feelings out somehow and this seemed like a logical way to do it. i am going to try and keep my head up, that maybe i am just exaggerating although part of my brain is bringing that thought to an early grave! so what do i do... just like Sky and i discussed the other day, you need to search to find what you want... oh well i guess i am doomed to an everlasting search for nothing.....

I Should Tell You

this is weirdly ironic that both steph and i are listening to RENT... but this song makes me think about that person for whom i have a crush on... i wish something like this would happen between us lawl! but i don't think it ever will... i think i ruined it for myself and i don't know how to fix this for once. i love this song... it is so amazing... it makes you long for what it could be, but also what you know can never be. this may be depressing and for that i am sorry... my brain keeps ninjaing itself and making me think of things that i shouldn't be thinking about. what should i do about that? i have no idea.... oh well i will figure it out eventually. i guess... i wish i could go back in time... then maybe this wouldn't have happen... but hindsight is 20/20 as always!

well i don't have anymore to talk about, so i guess this is the end!

My Cellmates are Killer's they Make me Do Push-Ups in Drag O_o

Well, that made my day a little better lol... i just heard Gerard giggle at the end of You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison. So i finally get up the courage to ask the guy that i wanted to go to prom with to the prom, but i was turned down. I mean he did it so nicely, but i am so confused with everything right now... i guess i will just have to let it play out. I mean i wish i could tell him how i really feel but i don't want to get rejected again... i mean what is wrong with me... i mean i think im pretty cool, i just don't see what is wrong... i guess that is one of the age old questions that people have.

It's ironic that that song would be the next one.. I'm Not Okay (I promise) that must be my theme song to life... I am currently in ceramic's class and i should be making my MCR chibi's but i am too blah to do that, and steph has my fan fiction so i can't work on that... i feel like crap, is there something i should do... should i not have said something about going just as friends, did i ruin this myself... maybe steph was right i shouldn't have been trying i should just let things come to me. I am out of idea's of what to do anymore, but it seems like everytime i do something to try and make myself happy it fails. I think that must mean i fail at life.... ( I know i will hear about saying that later) but still i think that is what it must mean. Now how to win the game of life.... DAMN IT! i just lost the game (and so did you!)

I just really like the fact that i can have an intelligent conversation with him... that is one thing that i need in a guy. (Intellectualism, Sense of Humor, Honesty, Musically Inclined (has to like music), all personality traits) I mean looks aren't important to me, what is on the inside is what is important to me. (well, ok i'll be honest i would like for the guy to be as tall or taller than me... no boob lookers) it just looks weird... well i am going to head back to class for the last 5 minutes... then to film then home! i can't wait to dive into bed and stay there until i die...

Singing Songs That Make You Slit Your Wrists...

My inspiration today is Cemetary Drive... I need to listen to it...okay im listening to it! Steph gave me direction...kind of....lol I agree with it, to a certain extent. I think that you shouldn't always have to wait for what you want. You alone hold the key to your happiness and that is the way it is. If you want something sometimes you got to get it yourself, not everyone can hand it to you. I don't want to have to wait forever for something to happen. But waiting for something great can be a handy tool. Playing hard to get can also help or hurt your chances. Life is the most confusing, ever changing and fucked up thing there is. It makes you simpathize with the dead and burried. I know that sounds morbid, but its the truth even you have thought of it. There is nothing more to really talk about... Oh and Steph i don't mean this to sound like i am attacking your direction, cause im not in any way! I am just saying that it has two sides to it, like everything does... unfortunately. What you said is very good and very honestly true! God i need a fuck the world song right now and i don't have on, OH! i have Fuck the sysyem by System of A Down... But its the edited version -.-.....