Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Love Don't Come Easy.
I love that song, the oldies are always the best. I mean honestly. I have been really disappointed lately, I have been want to talk to Andrew on the phone, but something always seems to come up. It's beginning to make me think that he doesn't want to talk to me on the phone. I mean he has a lot going on, and he has his own life. I just wish that I could be a little more of a part of it. It makes me so jealous when he talks about the girls and stuff at school that hit on him. It's not like I have a lot to offer him over those girls.
So sometimes I worry just a little bit, a little more now that he told me what he did the other day. I know he was just being honest with me, but it hit me. He said that he used to go from one girl to another, but now he is trying to be committed. That worries me slightly. I mean I want him to want to be with me and talk to me. I mean I know he does, cause he still is. But I just want it to stay that way. Could I be anymore insecure? Honestly.
I need to just get over it, I mean he is with me not someone else. He talks to me, I don't know if he talks to anyone else. But as long as he still wants to be with me I will be happy. I just love him so much, and I couldn't stand losing him. I think my heart would literally shatter if that did. I mean Steph told me the other day that if Andrew ever broke up with me, I had to promise I wouldn't do anything stupid. Who does she think I am. I am not going to go all slit my wrists. But I also don't know how long it would be before I got over it, and I don't want to think about it.
I am not planning on ending it ever, I know what we have is real. I can literally feel it in my heart. Like no other guy that has come before, have I felt about him. I don't expect to feel this way about anyone but him. He is just what I want for the rest of my life and I hope that he feels the same. I would love to spend the rest of my life getting to know every little thing about him. There are things that I would like to change, but I know that everything is give and take.
It can not just be about me, and I realize this now. I guess this song is the most appropriate for what I am currently feeling. I guess sometimes, things just come to you when you least expect them. I now realize that I just need to relax and not sweat the small stuff. That is what it is really all about. Well I guess I will end there, I have gotten it all out and I personally feel better about it.
Love ya,
Ashes
So sometimes I worry just a little bit, a little more now that he told me what he did the other day. I know he was just being honest with me, but it hit me. He said that he used to go from one girl to another, but now he is trying to be committed. That worries me slightly. I mean I want him to want to be with me and talk to me. I mean I know he does, cause he still is. But I just want it to stay that way. Could I be anymore insecure? Honestly.
I need to just get over it, I mean he is with me not someone else. He talks to me, I don't know if he talks to anyone else. But as long as he still wants to be with me I will be happy. I just love him so much, and I couldn't stand losing him. I think my heart would literally shatter if that did. I mean Steph told me the other day that if Andrew ever broke up with me, I had to promise I wouldn't do anything stupid. Who does she think I am. I am not going to go all slit my wrists. But I also don't know how long it would be before I got over it, and I don't want to think about it.
I am not planning on ending it ever, I know what we have is real. I can literally feel it in my heart. Like no other guy that has come before, have I felt about him. I don't expect to feel this way about anyone but him. He is just what I want for the rest of my life and I hope that he feels the same. I would love to spend the rest of my life getting to know every little thing about him. There are things that I would like to change, but I know that everything is give and take.
It can not just be about me, and I realize this now. I guess this song is the most appropriate for what I am currently feeling. I guess sometimes, things just come to you when you least expect them. I now realize that I just need to relax and not sweat the small stuff. That is what it is really all about. Well I guess I will end there, I have gotten it all out and I personally feel better about it.
Love ya,
Ashes
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Nothing Else Matters
So today has been the best day so far for me. I think that was overall because I did not have class, and that I have talked to Andrew a lot today. That is what mostly makes me happy is when I talk to him. I don't know sometimes I feel as if he is the only reason I am happy. In some ways I know that is true, I mean I don't really like it here. I am putting on a front so people don't really see that I am unhappy. Steph really likes it here, and I am happy for her. It's just not my cup of tea, so far anyway.
I had my job interview and I hope I get it honestly. I mean I could use the money, and the distraction. I know that will mean less time I get to talk to Andrew. But with a job and with talking to Andrew, I think that I can make it through. I can't wait to see him, and I hope it is soon. That would make things even better, I know this is hard on me. I believe it is probably hard on him too. I can't wait til this year is over, and it has only just begun. That is kind of sad but there is nothing else about it.
Steph broke up with Javon yesterday, which technically I think is a mistake that she is going to regret later on. I mean I know that she wants to do it so she can date someone around here, but what happens when summer does come. She will be in the same position. I mean I know she is jealous of the occurrences that happened to me while on campus, but it's not like I want it to happen. I am really happy with Andrew. I mean I love him so much, I don't even think about other guys but him.
But she is her own person and she is going to do what she feels is best for her. I have to look out for me in these times that I face. I feel like I am facing them alone really. I mean I am afraid to talk to anyone about how I am feeling. I know people care, like my mom and Andrew, and even Steph. But I feel bad talking to anyone else about it, even them cause I don't want to bring them down. I just want to hear that everything is going to be alright and that there is someone there for me is all. I want to know that I am doing the right thing.
I need to know that I have someone on my side, who will be there for me no matter what. But I also want them to automatically know my feelings about this, and that just can't happen. Well I know that someone will know now, even to my immense embarrassment. I just want to know that there is someone who cares about what I have to say, and actually wants to hear me talk to them about things. I guess what I really want is to hear that from another person. *sigh* I just don't know.
I have also been thinking about Halloween and what costume to wear, I want Andrew to come to the costume party with me. But I know he dislikes wearing costumes, so that pretty much eliminates my vision of couples costumes XDDDDDD But I respect him, and what he is comfortable with, just like he respects me and the things that I dislike. I still want him to come with me even if he doesn't dress up. I don't know how to ask him though. I guess this is as good as any. XD I know he wants to read this.
Even though I don't know if I want him knowing about my insecurities and such. I mean I suppose it will bring us closer together, and he can help me through it. But still gah....*blush* There are things that I don't necessarily want him to know I think and feel. If they are about him, or even sometimes not about him. XD But I guess I should just suck it up and deal with it. XDDD Alright I am going to end here. It is kind of long so sorry. Oh and I love you Andrew. Lots and Lots and Lots. And I can't wait to marry you and have your babies someday. Real ones that is. ;)
Love ya,
Ashes
I had my job interview and I hope I get it honestly. I mean I could use the money, and the distraction. I know that will mean less time I get to talk to Andrew. But with a job and with talking to Andrew, I think that I can make it through. I can't wait to see him, and I hope it is soon. That would make things even better, I know this is hard on me. I believe it is probably hard on him too. I can't wait til this year is over, and it has only just begun. That is kind of sad but there is nothing else about it.
Steph broke up with Javon yesterday, which technically I think is a mistake that she is going to regret later on. I mean I know that she wants to do it so she can date someone around here, but what happens when summer does come. She will be in the same position. I mean I know she is jealous of the occurrences that happened to me while on campus, but it's not like I want it to happen. I am really happy with Andrew. I mean I love him so much, I don't even think about other guys but him.
But she is her own person and she is going to do what she feels is best for her. I have to look out for me in these times that I face. I feel like I am facing them alone really. I mean I am afraid to talk to anyone about how I am feeling. I know people care, like my mom and Andrew, and even Steph. But I feel bad talking to anyone else about it, even them cause I don't want to bring them down. I just want to hear that everything is going to be alright and that there is someone there for me is all. I want to know that I am doing the right thing.
I need to know that I have someone on my side, who will be there for me no matter what. But I also want them to automatically know my feelings about this, and that just can't happen. Well I know that someone will know now, even to my immense embarrassment. I just want to know that there is someone who cares about what I have to say, and actually wants to hear me talk to them about things. I guess what I really want is to hear that from another person. *sigh* I just don't know.
I have also been thinking about Halloween and what costume to wear, I want Andrew to come to the costume party with me. But I know he dislikes wearing costumes, so that pretty much eliminates my vision of couples costumes XDDDDDD But I respect him, and what he is comfortable with, just like he respects me and the things that I dislike. I still want him to come with me even if he doesn't dress up. I don't know how to ask him though. I guess this is as good as any. XD I know he wants to read this.
Even though I don't know if I want him knowing about my insecurities and such. I mean I suppose it will bring us closer together, and he can help me through it. But still gah....*blush* There are things that I don't necessarily want him to know I think and feel. If they are about him, or even sometimes not about him. XD But I guess I should just suck it up and deal with it. XDDD Alright I am going to end here. It is kind of long so sorry. Oh and I love you Andrew. Lots and Lots and Lots. And I can't wait to marry you and have your babies someday. Real ones that is. ;)
Love ya,
Ashes
Friday, September 11, 2009
Bring Me To Life
Sorry the earlier blog wasn't long, I decided to write it five minutes before I had to walk to class this morning. That wasn't one of my brightest idea's, but when you have a notion to write you have to do it. What was very ironic is my English professor was talking to us about genre's of writing and this is one of them... Isn't that creepy. But I make these more to get my thoughts out, but I have a certain audience that reads them, which is you. =D I have been also making some vlogs to document my journey in college. I am not going to get to talk to Andrew a lot tonight so that makes me sad. But I might get to see him next weekend which makes me so happy.
I really miss him a lot, like more than anyone really knows. He is everything to me, and more. I love him just a little bit more than I miss him. Okay, a lot more and everyone can tell that. I mean most of my blogs have been about him. Maybe I should start posting my poetry on here as entries. I mean I could use some input on how they are and what not. I really like to write them, but most of my best poetry comes from angst, not love. Which is usually the way it is supposed to be. I mean hate is a stronger emotion than most.
I would really like.... Ryan just made me lose the game... I had to announce it. I would really like... going back to where I was. To have people write me, after I write them... I mean I have written people letters, and I haven't received any back. I mean I know these things take time, but geez. :P I think tonight I will go swimming, since I have nothing else better to do. My boyfriend is being really really naughty, I am going to have to get him for that.
Steph is next to me, well was... She is leaving me now to go to the study room. Talking to Andrew, for the only time I will get to today. ='[ But that is okay, I get to see him soon, and that makes me happy enough to get through it. I cleaned underneath my keyboard yesterday, it was dusty and stuff. Really gross actually. I have a bit of homework to do this weekend, but not enough to annoy me. It's just a bit of english work, and there are books I need to get. Well I am going to end this now.
Love ya!
<3 Ashes
I really miss him a lot, like more than anyone really knows. He is everything to me, and more. I love him just a little bit more than I miss him. Okay, a lot more and everyone can tell that. I mean most of my blogs have been about him. Maybe I should start posting my poetry on here as entries. I mean I could use some input on how they are and what not. I really like to write them, but most of my best poetry comes from angst, not love. Which is usually the way it is supposed to be. I mean hate is a stronger emotion than most.
I would really like.... Ryan just made me lose the game... I had to announce it. I would really like... going back to where I was. To have people write me, after I write them... I mean I have written people letters, and I haven't received any back. I mean I know these things take time, but geez. :P I think tonight I will go swimming, since I have nothing else better to do. My boyfriend is being really really naughty, I am going to have to get him for that.
Steph is next to me, well was... She is leaving me now to go to the study room. Talking to Andrew, for the only time I will get to today. ='[ But that is okay, I get to see him soon, and that makes me happy enough to get through it. I cleaned underneath my keyboard yesterday, it was dusty and stuff. Really gross actually. I have a bit of homework to do this weekend, but not enough to annoy me. It's just a bit of english work, and there are books I need to get. Well I am going to end this now.
Love ya!
<3 Ashes
Beast and the Harlot.
I just currently have that song stuck in my head. It is in no way relevant. XD Well I discovered something today. I am much better at blogging rather than keeping a journal. Why that is? I have no idea? But I need to quickly catch everyone up on what is going on lately! I have moved to Eastern Michigan University. GO EAGLES! XD I have been missing everyone, especially Andrew. I love him so much, it sucks to be so far away from him. ='[ I have a job interview today, to work at the front desk. I really feel bad cause Steph applied for the same job, and they called me back. =[ I almost didn't turn in my application, because I didn't want to compete with her. Now I am going to win and that makes me feel like a bitch. Well anyway I have class g2g bbs.
<3 Ashes
<3 Ashes
Monday, August 24, 2009
Waking Up In Vegas
I love this song! Katy Perry is a genius, when it comes to music. A few things have happened over the past few days. I dropped Andy off at home, which like broke my heart cause I didn't want him to leave. I miss him so much, I can't wait to see him again. I got frustrated with a friend of mine who ran her own forum, so I decided to make my own. Which really worked, and I did it for free, which is even better.
I just need more people to join it and then I have myself a good thing going. I just want it to be something that my friends can go on and have fun. It's drama free, and surprisingly stress free. I really love how amazing it looks, and how far it has come in only two days. I know that this is going to be a good thing.
Life is really going good. I have an amazing guy who loves me, and I love him. He has my heart, and I would like to think that I have his even though it has never been said. I can't wait to marry him someday and I really think it will happen. I mean love blooms from friendship they say, well this really bloomed. I can't think about anything else but him most of the time.
I feel like I can talk to him about anything and everything. Even though sometimes I don't think he really cares. I could be wrong though, but who would really care about something that doesn't really matter anyway. It's just when I am with him, nothing else seems to matter. I just want to be near him, and I guess that is what is killing me now.
I miss him, his voice, being able to cuddle with him. It's like it doesn't feel right when I am not with him. I don't feel right, it's like he took part of me with him when he went home. Not that I would admit that to him or anything. I just hope that he feels the same, and he misses me that much. I probably sound really weird right now, but I don't care.
It's how I feel, and that isn't likely to change. I mean I love him, so much. So so so so so much XD. I don't know if there is anything else to write about so I guess I will cut it off here. I have written a lot already it seems XD.
I love you! *blows kisses*
Ashes
I just need more people to join it and then I have myself a good thing going. I just want it to be something that my friends can go on and have fun. It's drama free, and surprisingly stress free. I really love how amazing it looks, and how far it has come in only two days. I know that this is going to be a good thing.
Life is really going good. I have an amazing guy who loves me, and I love him. He has my heart, and I would like to think that I have his even though it has never been said. I can't wait to marry him someday and I really think it will happen. I mean love blooms from friendship they say, well this really bloomed. I can't think about anything else but him most of the time.
I feel like I can talk to him about anything and everything. Even though sometimes I don't think he really cares. I could be wrong though, but who would really care about something that doesn't really matter anyway. It's just when I am with him, nothing else seems to matter. I just want to be near him, and I guess that is what is killing me now.
I miss him, his voice, being able to cuddle with him. It's like it doesn't feel right when I am not with him. I don't feel right, it's like he took part of me with him when he went home. Not that I would admit that to him or anything. I just hope that he feels the same, and he misses me that much. I probably sound really weird right now, but I don't care.
It's how I feel, and that isn't likely to change. I mean I love him, so much. So so so so so much XD. I don't know if there is anything else to write about so I guess I will cut it off here. I have written a lot already it seems XD.
I love you! *blows kisses*
Ashes
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Enter Sandman
Hello,
Well today has been adventurous to say the least, interesting things happened. People have been hurt, things have gone wrong. But overall I don't think it was such an awful day. I mean sure my boyfriend had his wrist split and other things have gone wrong. Okay I should just stop there, today was an awful day. People got sick, and such. The only half way decent thing was that I was with Andrew. My family really seemed to like him, and that is so much of a good thing.
Okay, I should probably elaborate on the whole my boyfriend splitting his wrist. Well we were locked out of the house, and I forgot my keys. He was trying to open the window so we could get in, and he tried opening it and the window broke. The glass shards split, and it got into his wrists. He was bleeding, I was freaking, and I ran off after I got a towel. Well Andy chased after me towels and all.
He caught up with me, and I started sobbing so badly. He held me while I cried, I felt so bad and everything. I was all my fault for not having my keys like I should have. He started crying, and I felt even worse about it. But he still loves me, though I don't really know why.
But it's okay now.
I love you all.
Ashes <3
Well today has been adventurous to say the least, interesting things happened. People have been hurt, things have gone wrong. But overall I don't think it was such an awful day. I mean sure my boyfriend had his wrist split and other things have gone wrong. Okay I should just stop there, today was an awful day. People got sick, and such. The only half way decent thing was that I was with Andrew. My family really seemed to like him, and that is so much of a good thing.
Okay, I should probably elaborate on the whole my boyfriend splitting his wrist. Well we were locked out of the house, and I forgot my keys. He was trying to open the window so we could get in, and he tried opening it and the window broke. The glass shards split, and it got into his wrists. He was bleeding, I was freaking, and I ran off after I got a towel. Well Andy chased after me towels and all.
He caught up with me, and I started sobbing so badly. He held me while I cried, I felt so bad and everything. I was all my fault for not having my keys like I should have. He started crying, and I felt even worse about it. But he still loves me, though I don't really know why.
But it's okay now.
I love you all.
Ashes <3
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