Love Don't Come Easy.

I love that song, the oldies are always the best. I mean honestly. I have been really disappointed lately, I have been want to talk to Andrew on the phone, but something always seems to come up. It's beginning to make me think that he doesn't want to talk to me on the phone. I mean he has a lot going on, and he has his own life. I just wish that I could be a little more of a part of it. It makes me so jealous when he talks about the girls and stuff at school that hit on him. It's not like I have a lot to offer him over those girls.

So sometimes I worry just a little bit, a little more now that he told me what he did the other day. I know he was just being honest with me, but it hit me. He said that he used to go from one girl to another, but now he is trying to be committed. That worries me slightly. I mean I want him to want to be with me and talk to me. I mean I know he does, cause he still is. But I just want it to stay that way. Could I be anymore insecure? Honestly.

I need to just get over it, I mean he is with me not someone else. He talks to me, I don't know if he talks to anyone else. But as long as he still wants to be with me I will be happy. I just love him so much, and I couldn't stand losing him. I think my heart would literally shatter if that did. I mean Steph told me the other day that if Andrew ever broke up with me, I had to promise I wouldn't do anything stupid. Who does she think I am. I am not going to go all slit my wrists. But I also don't know how long it would be before I got over it, and I don't want to think about it.

I am not planning on ending it ever, I know what we have is real. I can literally feel it in my heart. Like no other guy that has come before, have I felt about him. I don't expect to feel this way about anyone but him. He is just what I want for the rest of my life and I hope that he feels the same. I would love to spend the rest of my life getting to know every little thing about him. There are things that I would like to change, but I know that everything is give and take.

It can not just be about me, and I realize this now. I guess this song is the most appropriate for what I am currently feeling. I guess sometimes, things just come to you when you least expect them. I now realize that I just need to relax and not sweat the small stuff. That is what it is really all about. Well I guess I will end there, I have gotten it all out and I personally feel better about it.

Love ya,
Ashes

Nothing Else Matters

So today has been the best day so far for me. I think that was overall because I did not have class, and that I have talked to Andrew a lot today. That is what mostly makes me happy is when I talk to him. I don't know sometimes I feel as if he is the only reason I am happy. In some ways I know that is true, I mean I don't really like it here. I am putting on a front so people don't really see that I am unhappy. Steph really likes it here, and I am happy for her. It's just not my cup of tea, so far anyway.

I had my job interview and I hope I get it honestly. I mean I could use the money, and the distraction. I know that will mean less time I get to talk to Andrew. But with a job and with talking to Andrew, I think that I can make it through. I can't wait to see him, and I hope it is soon. That would make things even better, I know this is hard on me. I believe it is probably hard on him too. I can't wait til this year is over, and it has only just begun. That is kind of sad but there is nothing else about it.

Steph broke up with Javon yesterday, which technically I think is a mistake that she is going to regret later on. I mean I know that she wants to do it so she can date someone around here, but what happens when summer does come. She will be in the same position. I mean I know she is jealous of the occurrences that happened to me while on campus, but it's not like I want it to happen. I am really happy with Andrew. I mean I love him so much, I don't even think about other guys but him.

But she is her own person and she is going to do what she feels is best for her. I have to look out for me in these times that I face. I feel like I am facing them alone really. I mean I am afraid to talk to anyone about how I am feeling. I know people care, like my mom and Andrew, and even Steph. But I feel bad talking to anyone else about it, even them cause I don't want to bring them down. I just want to hear that everything is going to be alright and that there is someone there for me is all. I want to know that I am doing the right thing.

I need to know that I have someone on my side, who will be there for me no matter what. But I also want them to automatically know my feelings about this, and that just can't happen. Well I know that someone will know now, even to my immense embarrassment. I just want to know that there is someone who cares about what I have to say, and actually wants to hear me talk to them about things. I guess what I really want is to hear that from another person. *sigh* I just don't know.

I have also been thinking about Halloween and what costume to wear, I want Andrew to come to the costume party with me. But I know he dislikes wearing costumes, so that pretty much eliminates my vision of couples costumes XDDDDDD But I respect him, and what he is comfortable with, just like he respects me and the things that I dislike. I still want him to come with me even if he doesn't dress up. I don't know how to ask him though. I guess this is as good as any. XD I know he wants to read this.

Even though I don't know if I want him knowing about my insecurities and such. I mean I suppose it will bring us closer together, and he can help me through it. But still gah....*blush* There are things that I don't necessarily want him to know I think and feel. If they are about him, or even sometimes not about him. XD But I guess I should just suck it up and deal with it. XDDD Alright I am going to end here. It is kind of long so sorry. Oh and I love you Andrew. Lots and Lots and Lots. And I can't wait to marry you and have your babies someday. Real ones that is. ;)

Love ya,
Ashes

Bring Me To Life

Sorry the earlier blog wasn't long, I decided to write it five minutes before I had to walk to class this morning. That wasn't one of my brightest idea's, but when you have a notion to write you have to do it. What was very ironic is my English professor was talking to us about genre's of writing and this is one of them... Isn't that creepy. But I make these more to get my thoughts out, but I have a certain audience that reads them, which is you. =D I have been also making some vlogs to document my journey in college. I am not going to get to talk to Andrew a lot tonight so that makes me sad. But I might get to see him next weekend which makes me so happy.

I really miss him a lot, like more than anyone really knows. He is everything to me, and more. I love him just a little bit more than I miss him. Okay, a lot more and everyone can tell that. I mean most of my blogs have been about him. Maybe I should start posting my poetry on here as entries. I mean I could use some input on how they are and what not. I really like to write them, but most of my best poetry comes from angst, not love. Which is usually the way it is supposed to be. I mean hate is a stronger emotion than most.

I would really like.... Ryan just made me lose the game... I had to announce it. I would really like... going back to where I was. To have people write me, after I write them... I mean I have written people letters, and I haven't received any back. I mean I know these things take time, but geez. :P I think tonight I will go swimming, since I have nothing else better to do. My boyfriend is being really really naughty, I am going to have to get him for that.

Steph is next to me, well was... She is leaving me now to go to the study room. Talking to Andrew, for the only time I will get to today. ='[ But that is okay, I get to see him soon, and that makes me happy enough to get through it. I cleaned underneath my keyboard yesterday, it was dusty and stuff. Really gross actually. I have a bit of homework to do this weekend, but not enough to annoy me. It's just a bit of english work, and there are books I need to get. Well I am going to end this now.

Love ya!
<3 Ashes

Beast and the Harlot.

I just currently have that song stuck in my head. It is in no way relevant. XD Well I discovered something today. I am much better at blogging rather than keeping a journal. Why that is? I have no idea? But I need to quickly catch everyone up on what is going on lately! I have moved to Eastern Michigan University. GO EAGLES! XD I have been missing everyone, especially Andrew. I love him so much, it sucks to be so far away from him. ='[ I have a job interview today, to work at the front desk. I really feel bad cause Steph applied for the same job, and they called me back. =[ I almost didn't turn in my application, because I didn't want to compete with her. Now I am going to win and that makes me feel like a bitch. Well anyway I have class g2g bbs.


<3 Ashes

Waking Up In Vegas

I love this song! Katy Perry is a genius, when it comes to music. A few things have happened over the past few days. I dropped Andy off at home, which like broke my heart cause I didn't want him to leave. I miss him so much, I can't wait to see him again. I got frustrated with a friend of mine who ran her own forum, so I decided to make my own. Which really worked, and I did it for free, which is even better.

I just need more people to join it and then I have myself a good thing going. I just want it to be something that my friends can go on and have fun. It's drama free, and surprisingly stress free. I really love how amazing it looks, and how far it has come in only two days. I know that this is going to be a good thing.

Life is really going good. I have an amazing guy who loves me, and I love him. He has my heart, and I would like to think that I have his even though it has never been said. I can't wait to marry him someday and I really think it will happen. I mean love blooms from friendship they say, well this really bloomed. I can't think about anything else but him most of the time.

I feel like I can talk to him about anything and everything. Even though sometimes I don't think he really cares. I could be wrong though, but who would really care about something that doesn't really matter anyway. It's just when I am with him, nothing else seems to matter. I just want to be near him, and I guess that is what is killing me now.

I miss him, his voice, being able to cuddle with him. It's like it doesn't feel right when I am not with him. I don't feel right, it's like he took part of me with him when he went home. Not that I would admit that to him or anything. I just hope that he feels the same, and he misses me that much. I probably sound really weird right now, but I don't care.

It's how I feel, and that isn't likely to change. I mean I love him, so much. So so so so so much XD. I don't know if there is anything else to write about so I guess I will cut it off here. I have written a lot already it seems XD.

I love you! *blows kisses*
Ashes

Enter Sandman

Hello,
Well today has been adventurous to say the least, interesting things happened. People have been hurt, things have gone wrong. But overall I don't think it was such an awful day. I mean sure my boyfriend had his wrist split and other things have gone wrong. Okay I should just stop there, today was an awful day. People got sick, and such. The only half way decent thing was that I was with Andrew. My family really seemed to like him, and that is so much of a good thing.

Okay, I should probably elaborate on the whole my boyfriend splitting his wrist. Well we were locked out of the house, and I forgot my keys. He was trying to open the window so we could get in, and he tried opening it and the window broke. The glass shards split, and it got into his wrists. He was bleeding, I was freaking, and I ran off after I got a towel. Well Andy chased after me towels and all.

He caught up with me, and I started sobbing so badly. He held me while I cried, I felt so bad and everything. I was all my fault for not having my keys like I should have. He started crying, and I felt even worse about it. But he still loves me, though I don't really know why.

But it's okay now.
I love you all.
Ashes <3

Inside the Fire

This was the song playing, so I thought why not? I am sitting in my room at dad's watching Andy play Madden. Jeffie just got here, and told me some really good news. He is the best big brother ever. He will always be there for me when I need him, and I hope to be there for him. Sierra is in a little bit of a bad mood, but I am thinking once she sees Jeff she will be happy. I am a little worried since we are running a little bit late. But we should overall make it on time.

He looks really cute today, I don't know what it is. Not that he doesn't always look cute, he just does more today. I loves him lots, and I love that he is here with me. I love snuggling with him, and he is so cuddly. XD If he ever reads this I will probably jump off a bridge XD Not really but I think I would die from blushing. I think today will be a good day, it has to be better than yesterday.

I am nervous, but excited for my family to meet Andrew. I mean I know they will like him, but I hope they will all be cool. My grandma seems to think that I am going crazy since I turned 18. I think that is some bullshit. I am sorry, that is what is supposed to happen when you get older. I mean they would say the same about Ryan if they knew that he goes out and gets drunk every weekend.

But no, they don't know about that. He wants to keep in their good graces, so he asks everyone to keep quiet about it. When he was my age, he had even more freedom than I ever had. As for that, if I was going to go crazy at college I wouldn't be going. I know how to handle myself, and I can do it. Whether they think I can or not who cares.

Truly Madly Deeply

Hey all!
I thought since I had a minute I would type out a quick blog. I have been hanging out with Andrew since last night. We have been having a good time, and have really been getting closer to each other. I really love him, and I see how much he loves me. I know he will always be there for me when I need him. I thought that this song would be an appropriate. It makes me think of him, along with I knew I loved you. Savage Garden is the shit.

I am trying to get Sierra to wear a dress for her and Jeff's first anniversary. But she is giving me a hard time, and she looks so pretty in it. Green really brings out her eyes, and she really looks adorable. I wish she would just listen to me for once, I do know what I am talking about. People should know this by now.

I don't know what else to talk about, I mean sure I have things I could talk about but I am not going to. I think I want to go to the beach later and swim in the water, it sounds like a fun thing to do. I feel bad for Andrew cause he is doing all this running and stuff, and doesn't even get the comfort of taking a shower. I love him, and I don't think that he should have to be doing that alone.

Really I am kicking myself now, for letting Sierra do that. But I can't change it now, I guess. I am really in love with him, and I hope he is with me. Well I guess I will end it here, since I really have nothing else to touch on.

I love you all. *blows kisses*
Ashes <3

Wind Blows

Well speaking of a stalker song, someone who has stalked me before messaged me O_o. It's a little creepy, I kind of feel stalked again. It makes me think back to the other night. We were in the dark, and alone in the car. I felt like there was someone watching us. I could swear that there were people outside walking around. They were dressed in black. I had no cell phone service, and I was getting really scared. So this just makes me even more creeped out.

I don't want anyone to worry though. It's all good nothing is going to happen, he is a calm stalker. Or at least I think XDDDDD But mostly, I don't think that he will come here from where he lives. It's not a big deal though. So on to another subject, yesterday we had a close call at the beach. The waves were super high and got higher as we swam. It was scary, especially we accidentally got behind the swim area.

I got us all out, but there were others that weren't so lucky. There is a guy who is in the hospital, and others almost drowned trying to save him. I am glad that we also did not go onto the pier like we were going to. The waves would have knocked us right into the water. I also think I am going to start doing a vlog, like Shane Dawson. I think it would be a lot of fun, and really might help me. Although I am better at writing rather than talking.

Blogging is so much easier for me, I really like it a lot. It's more like a journal than anything for me. This is like my second blog today, I am getting back into the habit! Woot Woot. Now I think it is a time to talk about Andy. I loves him so much. He makes me smile and laugh all the time. I can't think about anything other than him. I love talking to him, it is all I want to do most of the time.

He really cares about me, and I would do anything for him. Anything at all, he need only ask and I would. I can't wait until we are both out of school, and we can be together all the time. Nothing would make me happier than spending the rest of my life with him. I mean I can easily see a future with us together, more like that is the only future I see.

I know this is all mushy, and I doubt he will ever see this one, but I love him. Lots and lots and lots. He is always making me blush with his sweetness. The other day he wrote me the most romantic note, just so I could wake up to it. I swear that is the most romantic and sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. It make me cry honestly, it was so amazing.

Well I think that is all I can write today.
I love you! *blows kisses*
Ashes

Mama We All Go To Hell

A really good title, and a very good My Chemical Romance song. I think I am in a My Chem mood cause it's all gloomy outside. I think it is going to rain, not that My Chem makes me depressed. It cheers me up when I need it. I am just having a little bit of an off day. It happens to everyone, I guess without the bad days we would not know good days. Sierra is bored, and missing her boo I can tell. He is at work, but I kind of want her and I to hang. It seems all we do is hang out with Jeff and then they go make-out somewhere. I mean what kind of upset me yesterday was she asked if the song that was meant to be Jeff and I's could be her's and his. Not that it's a big deal but it kind of made me go What?

Andrew read my blog which is like my diary in a way... I mean I never expected him to want to read it but w/e. I trust him, even though I wanted to edit it out. XD I remember when I would write more than on blog a day, just because I wanted to. Well I am getting back in the habit now that I have more to write about. Life is amazingly good, almost too good to be true. Sometimes I think I am dreaming it is really that good. I have found love, and I am right where I want to be. It's like everything is finally falling into place, just like I would always tell everyone else.

I would never take my own advice, when I would tell people that everything was going to fall into place and be okay. I found what I was looking for, when I wasn't looking. Just like Steph said so long ago, I guess she was more right than she even knew. Love just seems to find you in the least expectant way. But I guess that is the beauty of it. Like a rose you have to wait for it to bloom, so that the beauty shines through. You read things in romance novels, and watch them in romantic comedies, and you don't expect them to come true.

But then you will find that one day you will find something worthy of all that. Something where the flaws don't matter, all that matter's is the love that you have for each other. No one else seems to be seen, it is just the other for you. It doesn't matter if you are always with the person or not, just talking to them warms your heart. Then when you are together it is so much more special. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. They knew what they were talking about that day.

Alright I think that is enough mushy loveness. XD

Love you all! *blow kisses*
Ashes

Ashes to Ashes

Hey ya'll,

Sorry it has been so long since I have blogged, but a lot has been going on! Well let me try to catch you all up real quick! I graduated high school, gone through a few boyfriends, found the love of my life, and I have been getting ready for college which starts soon. So I have been a busy, busy person! My life has been in a constant state of insanity, and I have loved every minute of it.

First let me tell you about my love! His name is Andrew, and he is so sweet! I think about him all the time, and he makes me so happy. I can't even picture myself with anyone else, and the thing is for some reason, he loves me too. O_o. He does the little things that make me appreciate him even more. We have even been talking about getting married in the future. I love him more than anyone I have ever known.

Next is college, I am going to Eastern Michigan University. I am going to be a Psychology major. I hope to become a Forensic Psychologist one day. That is like my dream job. I can't wait to learn more, and I am excited to see what comes of that. I am scared and excited for college, I mean it's a big change. I am going to be on my own for the first time. I hope I can handle it, I mean every tells me I can. It's a common fear, I mean everyone has those feelings at times.

What to talk about next, oh how about the lost boyfriends. Lamont was one, he was sweet and all but it just didn't work out. I lost all feelings for him, even though he really loved me. I feel bad, but that was also because he would constantly make me feel bad. But the best thing is, Andrew stood up for me. No one had ever done that for me. Now Lamont doesn't mess with me, cause he knows he will get it. I feel so loved and protected.

Well it's time for me to go. I love you all! *blows kisses*

Ashes

So hide your eyes...

Blaqk Audio, good band. Today's development is i have an Eastern e-mail address! I am so excited, and My ID card should be on the way really soon! I am really excited, to be going to this school! I love being and Eagle, it is going to be sooo much fun. Right now i am watching old Mad TV video's with Sierra. Stewart is sooo funneh! I think Sierra, is getting mad at her boyfriend cause he hasn't really been interested in talking to her.

I don't know which side to take, i mean i know how Andrew can be and i am used to his antics. She however is not, and even though i try to explain it to her. She doesn't know and won't listen so i don't know what to tell her. I give up i guess, she can find out the hard way.

Hollywood Whore

Well hello again, i am back. I went to Eastern today to pick out my course schedule. It was kind of fun figuring out the next components for my life. It scares me and exhilarates me at the very same time. I am ready to be away from home, but i am going to miss all of the people back home. I will adjust, that i know but it is still a life changing thing. Moving from home is hard on anyone. It makes me happy to know that i can already invision things changing, for the better.

My mom is not ready for me to leave, this i can tell but i have to fly sometime. It's not that far away and i should be able to visit very often, pending the fact that i get my own car. I am so ready to take on the responsiblity of owning a car, and living away from home. I am scared like i said but i know that i can do it, and i am confident in that fact.

This day has put a lot of new light on the subject of my future. I am glad i got a chance to meet some of the people that i will be spending the next four years with. Some seem to not care, and others are more interested in the people around them. It seems like i study them almost as subjects gathering little bits and pieces about them, i wonder if this is weird or not. It could have to do with my analitic mind, but i am quite unsure.

Well i think i am going to wrap it up for today, i hope you had fun getting some insight into my future college life, and into my mind a little bit. Not enough to scare you of course, but enough for you to get and idea of who i really am and how my mind works! ^.^

I hate my life

That is a good song, that is the above title. I haven't updated in a while and i am sincerely sorry, i have been busy updating on a forum which is currently down. That is probably the reason i am updating right now, is because i have nothing else better to do. I kind of miss this thing though, it is nice to be able to talk about things and know that it is relatively secret. I mean anyone could have access to this i suppose, but that is not the point.

Right now i am going to talk about new beginnings. I have just graduated high school, and now i am looking on to college and a new chapter in my life. In a way it scares me to death, but it also excites me to be able to meet new people and have new experiences. I have a lot of mixed feelings about everything right now. People, relationships, future plans, boys, you name it and i am probably confused about it right now. I mean i want to meet a new guy to have a relationship with, but it seems like the only ones who want me are guys i have already previously gone out with.

I mean it is like an epidemic, i mean not one guy or two guys but three guys want to go back out with me. I mean one i can understand since we really didn't have a chance to have a real relationship with but still. I just want to move on, and try new things with new people but i am feeling unable to. I don't know what to do anymore, it seems like no guy wants to like me for me. There must be something wrong with me to repel people like that... Anyone want to give me some insight?

Well i think im gonna burn in hell....

Well, what can i actually say... i guess im not good enough for him, i mean is it so much to ask for a guy to like a girl? i mean seriously, what is wrong with me to make me that unappealing? i know i will get smacked for this, but i feel it is a very valid question for me to ask myself... i have been trying to move on and forget about it, but life is making that very hard. i don't fall often but when i do it takes forever for me to move on from something like that! so i hope he is happy... even though he has no idea how i feel about him, and probally never will. but thats ok i will get over it eventually, i mean tons of people die alone! i know i am so getting smacked for this but i feel like i need to get my bad feelings out somehow and this seemed like a logical way to do it. i am going to try and keep my head up, that maybe i am just exaggerating although part of my brain is bringing that thought to an early grave! so what do i do... just like Sky and i discussed the other day, you need to search to find what you want... oh well i guess i am doomed to an everlasting search for nothing.....

I Should Tell You

this is weirdly ironic that both steph and i are listening to RENT... but this song makes me think about that person for whom i have a crush on... i wish something like this would happen between us lawl! but i don't think it ever will... i think i ruined it for myself and i don't know how to fix this for once. i love this song... it is so amazing... it makes you long for what it could be, but also what you know can never be. this may be depressing and for that i am sorry... my brain keeps ninjaing itself and making me think of things that i shouldn't be thinking about. what should i do about that? i have no idea.... oh well i will figure it out eventually. i guess... i wish i could go back in time... then maybe this wouldn't have happen... but hindsight is 20/20 as always!

well i don't have anymore to talk about, so i guess this is the end!

My Cellmates are Killer's they Make me Do Push-Ups in Drag O_o

Well, that made my day a little better lol... i just heard Gerard giggle at the end of You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison. So i finally get up the courage to ask the guy that i wanted to go to prom with to the prom, but i was turned down. I mean he did it so nicely, but i am so confused with everything right now... i guess i will just have to let it play out. I mean i wish i could tell him how i really feel but i don't want to get rejected again... i mean what is wrong with me... i mean i think im pretty cool, i just don't see what is wrong... i guess that is one of the age old questions that people have.

It's ironic that that song would be the next one.. I'm Not Okay (I promise) that must be my theme song to life... I am currently in ceramic's class and i should be making my MCR chibi's but i am too blah to do that, and steph has my fan fiction so i can't work on that... i feel like crap, is there something i should do... should i not have said something about going just as friends, did i ruin this myself... maybe steph was right i shouldn't have been trying i should just let things come to me. I am out of idea's of what to do anymore, but it seems like everytime i do something to try and make myself happy it fails. I think that must mean i fail at life.... ( I know i will hear about saying that later) but still i think that is what it must mean. Now how to win the game of life.... DAMN IT! i just lost the game (and so did you!)

I just really like the fact that i can have an intelligent conversation with him... that is one thing that i need in a guy. (Intellectualism, Sense of Humor, Honesty, Musically Inclined (has to like music), all personality traits) I mean looks aren't important to me, what is on the inside is what is important to me. (well, ok i'll be honest i would like for the guy to be as tall or taller than me... no boob lookers) it just looks weird... well i am going to head back to class for the last 5 minutes... then to film then home! i can't wait to dive into bed and stay there until i die...

Singing Songs That Make You Slit Your Wrists...

My inspiration today is Cemetary Drive... I need to listen to it...okay im listening to it! Steph gave me direction...kind of....lol I agree with it, to a certain extent. I think that you shouldn't always have to wait for what you want. You alone hold the key to your happiness and that is the way it is. If you want something sometimes you got to get it yourself, not everyone can hand it to you. I don't want to have to wait forever for something to happen. But waiting for something great can be a handy tool. Playing hard to get can also help or hurt your chances. Life is the most confusing, ever changing and fucked up thing there is. It makes you simpathize with the dead and burried. I know that sounds morbid, but its the truth even you have thought of it. There is nothing more to really talk about... Oh and Steph i don't mean this to sound like i am attacking your direction, cause im not in any way! I am just saying that it has two sides to it, like everything does... unfortunately. What you said is very good and very honestly true! God i need a fuck the world song right now and i don't have on, OH! i have Fuck the sysyem by System of A Down... But its the edited version -.-.....

Hmm what to title this...

Well here i am again in digital photography... only now i am doing something interesting! I have to do this poem thing where you write part of a poem on something non permanent. I decided to do lyric's instead, i mean to me that is poetry! i combined four MCR songs to make my own poem in a way... this is how it turned out....

This night, walk the dead
And when the lights all went outWe watched our lives on the screenI hate the ending myself,But it started with an alright sceneYou never fell in loveDid you get what you deserve?
Love is the red of the rose on your coffin doorWhat's life like, bleeding on the floor,
Did you get what you deserve?
The ending of your lifeAnd if you get to Heaven
I won't stop dying, won't stop lying.

Disenchanted, Cemetery Gates, Thanks For the Venom, Dead!

That is my poem, now i just need to find a place to write them, i am thinking of taking a trip to the cemetery across the street and writting it somewhere there, but i have no idea where it is not permanent.... that is what i need to figure out, so im not vandalizing private property... im thinking of asking some people for idea's... that might go over the best... i mean i know sierra will help me do what ever i need to... but i need to figure out what that is... anyone got some idea's? let me know immediately! Thanks Muchly!

I need therapy for this mixed up shit...

this is really horrible... i like this guy and he keeps hinting at liking but then nothing... it is really getting frustrating trying to pry through these mixed signals... but i really like him so it makes me want to keep trying to sift through them. there is more to the story than you know but i keep that private... i don't know what it is about him, but he intrigues me more than any other guy i have met... i can actually have and intelligent conversation with him and not have to wonder if he is actually getting what i am saying. That to me is a big plus in my book, plus must be able to make me laugh... if you can't laugh at yourself and have a good time then its a no no! but i don't know what to do, hopefully it will be revealed to me in the near future!

Have You Heard The News That Your Dead?

This is a very appropriate title to how i am feeling right now... Life pretty much sucks and i don't know what to do... i now no longer have a date to prom and that depresses me to no end... it makes me not even want to go but i got my friends to go so i have to go and i understand that now... but it doesn't make going alone any less depressing to me. i have a gorgeous dress which makes me feel like a princess but no prince to go with it... so much for that fairy tail dream of what senior prom is supposed to be like... where is Gerard when you need him as a prom date *Sigh* I have no meaning in life any more for the moment... i knew it needed to be done however and that things will get better... i just wish they would get better sooner rather than later... my only hopes are that someone is out there for me and can make everything better... im not trying to make this a sob story but this is my blog and if you don't like what i write then you don't have to read right? Patience is a virtue they say, but don't people get more of what they want when they are more viable to get what they want. i just want a date to prom anyone interested?
Wouldn't it be grand to take a pistol by the hand and wouldn't it be great if we were dead.... if life ain't just a joke then why are we laughing? If life ain't just a joke then why am i dead?

Im Just the WAY that the doctor made me!

haha! i love that song to death... it means a lot to me... actually all of their songs do! they really help me when i truely need them... like this morning when Sierra was being a bizotch....I crank them up and calm the fuck down! I can't believe how people can be so dense and selfish.... I mean i know im no where near perfect and i don't claim to be but at least i try! i don't get all pissy when someone is trying to help me! im sorry if you are fucking PMSing but don't take it out on me!!!!!!! well i don't have time to write more so i will write later! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR....... I LOVE YOU GERARD!

I JUST LOST THE GAME

WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT I JUST LOST THE GAME AND GUESS WHAT NOW SO DID YOU!!!! XD

*Sigh*

I couldn't think of a title.... what fits more with boredom than *sigh*.... last night was awesome but weird after work... interesting conversations ensued... it made me nervous so i giggled alot which is a surefire indicator that i am nervous... sierra was looking at me like i was crazy....but i am only a little insane and that isn't a bad thing...i think.....i don't know anymore.... im glad that Da Midger is back today cause i really missed her yesterday... but that stupid bitch sub wouldn't let her sit next to me like Mrs. Miller always lets us.... I love Hamlet but she was not making it enjoyable at all and it makes me want to punch her... i mean i know she is an old crotchity lady who is probally unhappy in life but she doesn't have to take it out on us.... I am currently listening to Sixx A.M. which is a good band with Nikki Sixx from Motley Crew another good band... I am the lead singer in a band named Lfe B4 Dth! i love the name cause to me it stands as Life is the period before death! which is the truth you have to live before you can die...

Photo-Boring

Im in photography right now and i finished my lesson early for once but the consiquence to that is i have extra time to do absolutely nothing which sucks @$$..... i have been writting in my book with my story in choir cause they were having musical rehearsal so we couldn't do anything of interest... i guess i could write more in that but i have already written two pages today which is alot for me and i don't want to get writer's block later on... but i guess while i have the thoughts i should use them to my advantage... at least i have the pod to keep me company XD or should i say MCR cause that is what i am listening to right now but that makes sense to anyone who knows me lmao! You know what they do to guys like us in prison is playing in my ears and giving me creative idea's on what to write... but they always give me my creative emphasis... AHHHHHHHHH Gerard just did his giggle and that always gets me... i could be sad as hell ready to die of boredom and when i hear that giggle i can't help but giggle... and it was a complete accident that it is on there... cause i have heard live versions and it is missing and it makes me cry! i guess it is time for me to start thinking about what is going to be my lyric's of the day today... i think it might be from Vampire's Will Never Hurt you but i cannot be positive until i get that feeling... everyday i get one about a song that i listen to and that becomes the song of the day... Lately i have been obsessed with Merci Pour Le Venin or Thanks For The Venom... i want that tattoo somewhere on my body and i am thinking on my wrist cause that would make the most sense to me... i mean that song and the saying mean alot of different things to me... shit that has happened in my life but things that have ultimately made me a stronger person.... well that is enough for today :)

Batteries Suck

I am so bored.... i need to charge the batteries on my camera so i can actually do my photography assignment.... all of the school camera's are checked out and i really need to get a start on this... oh what to do.... this is a dilema.... oh but i will figure it out i suppose.... last night was insane when i went with sierra to her uncles so she could cut his hair... but later was what made me laugh so hard... when i got home i talked to Mike, Steph, and someone new Jake... i like making new friends even though i am shy... you can always get new friends and making new friends makes me smile! XD lmao i need to try and get unshy... that is why i took my job at DG to meet and be forced to talk to new people...

Four Strong

Wow maybe that will be the new thing... turning blogging into a new twitter? this is my fourth update/blog and i am really enjoying this more then i thought i would lmao! i love listening to RENT... as if you can't tell i am on kind of a musical tangent... why? no one really knows sometimes you just get that mood where that is what you got to listen to.... Right now its RENT later who knows? maybe i will look up some avenue Q stuff... for those of you reading you are probally thinking man this chick is weird... she loves musicals and MCR... well yes i do and i know i am weird and i choose to embrace my weirdness for all to see :D... if you don't like who i am then forget you, who needs you anyway :D well that's all except DAVEY COULDN'T PWN GERARD IF HE HAD A PWNING MACHINE!!!!!!

Sweet Transvestite

Oh man i love that movie! i am listening to the soundtrack right now! but in other news, i just checked out my twitter and i swear MCR has the most epic conversations and Mikey Way just fuels the shit making it more epic! So he is nominated as my epic person of the Month! if anyone wants to dispute this send all complants to I_DONT_CARE@yahoo.com XD so that is my epic rant for the moment!

MY CHEM

well here i am again... i am bored so i thought i would make another post... now i know that this is not like twitter where you update it lots and lots but i can do this blog anyway i want :D!!! so the topic of this blog is My Chemical Romance... they are probally the best band that there is! Their music is smartly done and have life saving and inspiring lyrics that touch the hearts of many. I know they inspire me to keep going no matter how hard things are... As Frank Iero says they are a band that really wants to save your life... and that is what they do! So if you are looking for something interesting to listen to or it feels like you need a friend try listening to one of their albums> I brought you bullets, you brought me your love., Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge, or The Black Parade. They have a new album coming out sometime this year! They also did a Bob Dylan cover of Desolation Row for the Watchmen movie and soundtrack. It was one of their best by far and the video is entertaining and fullfilling! CHECK IT OUT!!!!

Newness

Well here i am... i guess i am starting a blog.... i have no idea how to blog but i am going to try my hand at it.... Actually i am being forced by one of my best friends and bandmate! We are in a band named LfeB4Dth and i hope it gets far! :) i am the lead singer which scares me a little bit but i will get over it... I mean come on if Gerard Way can get over being shy and having doubts about his voice then i can... i mean he is only my IDOL!!!! if it wasn't weird i would start a religon completely devoted to him... but that is way too weird and stalkerish! and i am not crazy... maybe a little insane but who isn't these dayz? That is another thing about me i am a completely devoted My Chemical Romance fan... i will probally rant about that from now and then.... Two more things before i close this.... 1. GERARD PWNS DAVEY HAVOK FOREVER.... and 2. I JUST LOST THE GAME!